


virago

by TullyBleus



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Brothels, Family, Gen, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28895439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TullyBleus/pseuds/TullyBleus
Summary: It's a cruel world, but her son is the most wonderful being that she sees.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	virago

_Why?_

It's a constant question that plagued Kuchel's mind, a question that bounces around her skull every single day. So many 'whys' that her mind managed to conjure but has no ability to answer: why did they have to persecute her family? Why did she choose to do this? Why did _this_ happen to her? _Why, why, why…_

She ran her hands over her stomach almost fondly. She stared at it, absently noting the fact that her bump seemed… smaller than the stomach of other pregnant women but she can't bring herself to see a doctor to ask what's wrong with her growing baby. She can barely buy food for herself, would even go on days without eating anything despite the hunger that she feels; going to the doctor is obviously out of the window.

Her hand settled on the top of her stomach and a light kick – a kick so light that she almost didn't feel it – coming from her baby made her smile. Despite that, her worries only grew; because she's pretty sure that a baby's kick was not supposed to be that weak.

She sighed, dragging one hand down her face, tears stinging her eyes as she let out a choked sob. She can't try to go back to her old life, to her old house with her father. Above ground is not an option, either; the fee to pass the stairs had gone up again and she barely have enough coin to last through the week. No, going up is not an option.

Another sob escaped her and Kuchel clamped her hand tightly over her mouth, nails digging on the skin of her cheek. She knew that life is not easy and that the world beyond their old house is not a fair place but she can't help but _pity_ herself that she had to go through this hell all alone.

Another kick, this time a little stronger, thumped against her hand. With tears still streaming down her face, Kuchel laughed lightly and she lightly tapped the spot where the kick came from. Her lips stretched into a small grin; she ran both hands over her stomach.

"Did I wake you up, little one?" she asked, her eyes trained on her bump as she continued to draw circles on her stomach with her palms, "I'm sorry. Don't worry, my love. You'll be stronger once I give birth to you, I'm sure of it."

* * *

Her son's incessant wailing dominated the wooden walls of their small space and Kuchel wanted nothing but to plug her ears with anything just to block out the sound. Regardless, she continued to rock him gently in her arms, to try and coax him back to sleep. It's useless, she knows. She's been trying to put Levi to sleep for quite awhile now but her baby boy is still hungry.

For some reason, her breasts are not producing enough milk for her newborn tot. At first, she thought her son is just too ferocious in his feeding but she began to notice soon enough that she just doesn't have enough to satisfy her son's hunger.

She asked some of the ladies around, trying to find out why she's not producing enough milk for her son and the answers that she got are somewhat plausible, but also disheartening. Some of them said that it could be due to stress. Some said it could be because she's not eating enough to sustain her own body. A few, who didn't like her, went so far as to say that she's being cursed.

When she tried to ask for any other remedy that she can do to satisfy her son, they informed her that she can buy a baby formula to supplement her son's hunger. The thing is, she didn't have money anymore; she had to give half of her remaining money to the midwife who helped to assist her and the half was used to buy her food. She hadn't eaten anything substantial for the whole day and she already consumed every crumb of bread that she can find inside her hut.

It's too soon for her to get back to the brothels, but her son's ear-splitting wails and her own hunger is something that she can't take any longer.

Her son had cried himself to sleep, his face tear-stained and a little red from too much crying. Kuchel gently kissed his forehead, slowly wrapping the blanket around his tiny frame securely. The woman who lived nearest their hut had agreed to watch over Levi for a few hours, until she got the milk that she needed. She tried to fix her appearance as well as she can, wiping her face clean with a dampened cloth and putting on the remaining clean dress that she had.

It _is_ far too soon for her to do this, but she didn't have any other choice.

When she got back hours later, she has a small bag of powdered milk, two warm loaves of bread and a small bottle that her son can use to drink from. She ignored the pitiful gaze of her neighbor as she took her son, ignored the way she eyed the dark purple bruises that lined her arms. She tried her best to brush off the painful aching of her legs and inner thighs, tried to ignore the bleeding that came from between her legs as she began to light a fire for the water to boil. Her son woke up and began to wail again and she hastily wiped away the tears that ran down her cheeks. Exhaustion had settled deep within her bones but she still needs to feed her son.

* * *

"Mama? Where you going?" a small voice from behind her said.

Kuchel froze mid-step but didn't dare to turn around. She didn't expect Levi to wake up so soon from his slumber, when she was about to leave for work.

"Mama?" he croaked out again, his voice confused.

She took a deep breath and faced him with a smile, walking back to the small bed that they both share. Levi's hair was messy, eyes still slightly clouded with sleep. He had a confused frown on his face that Kuchel found too cute. She knelt down in front of him, taking his hands in hers and flashing him a smile.

"Mama had to go to work, my love," she said lowly, "You have to stay here for a while but don't worry! Mama will be back soon," she quickly reassured.

His lower lip quivered and his frown deepened, "Can me come?" he asked, his voice breaking in the middle of his sentence.

"No, baby, you can't," she sighed, running one hand through his hair.

"Don't go, mama," he pleaded, a tear escaping his eye that she quickly wiped with her thumb.

Kuchel wanted nothing more but to stay. She's too exhausted from working at nights and taking care of Levi in the morning. It's true that her son is pretty much independent for a four-year old boy – he tries to entertain himself by taking the scrap fabrics that they have and imitating the way she washes their clothes – but she still had to prepare their food, wash their clothes, clean their place…

She wants to stay but she thought of their bare shelves, his clothes that had become two sizes too small for him and that made her strengthen her resolve.

"I'm sorry, baby, but I have to go," she spoke gently, ignoring the twinge in her heart at the sight of his tears, "Hey, baby. Don't cry," she cooed, taking her son in her arms. His arms wrapped around her neck, a tiny sob escaping his mouth.

"Levi," she started, pulling away slightly to look him in the eyes, "Please don't cry. Mama had to go to work because we need it," she explained patiently, "I need to work for our food and our water. And look at your clothes!" Kuchel gestured at his tight shirt playfully, "Don't you think its time for new ones?"

The little boy still pouted but he nodded, pulling his arms from around her neck and wiping his tears with his forearms harshly. Kuchel gave him a gentle smile and wiped his tears away with gentle fingers.

"Do you want to be strong, Levi?" she asked, voice still playful as she poked the tip of his nose with her index finger.

The boy nodded his head eagerly.

Kuchel carried her son to their bed, noting that he seemed to be a little heavier than the week before, and laid him down, his giggles delighting her ear.

"Then you need to sleep more, my love!" she exclaimed with a grin, brushing his hair away from his forehead and pressing a kiss on his forehead, "You will sleep and Mama will come back with milk and bread and clothes for my big and strong son!"

He huffed, a proud smile stretching his lips, "I'll be the strong one out there, mama!"

"I'm sure you'll be, my love," she quickly agreed, "Now, do you want me to sing you to sleep?"

The little boy nodded. Kuchel sang the lullaby that she knew from her childhood, the song that her own father sung to her and her brother, the song that she knew by heart. It didn't take long for Levi to fall back asleep and she tucked him in, pressing another feather-light kiss on his forehead and slowly made her way out the door.

_Why?_

* * *

She stared at the coins resting at her palm that she managed to earn, ignoring the line of purple bruises that circled her bony wrist and went up her arm. Her stomach rumbled, her head throbbing slightly at the hunger that clawed at her insides as she, almost reluctantly, handed the coins to the vendor in exchange for a loaf of bread. Clutching the food close to her chest, she walked away.

She sighed and tugged the sleeve of her dress, an attempt to hide the sign of violence that mar her skin from the young, curious eyes of her son. They may be living in the underground and he will learn the cruelty of their life soon enough but, Kuchel thought with a wan smile, she'd like to see the innocence in his dark eyes for a little while longer.

She trudged slowly, carefully avoiding the numerous bumps on the ground that would likely cause her to trip. She winced when her thighs throbbed with exhaustion and her knees started to wobble from hunger.

She paused from her progress and leaned against the wall of the house. Kuchel inhaled, releasing the air raggedly as she clutched the bread closer to her chest, almost squishing its form. She panted harshly, temptation and hunger whispering in her ear to pull a chunk off the bread, to devour the whole thing before she even got home, to let no crumb of this _tantalizing_ food to go to waste by falling on the floor.

She closed her eyes tightly, forehead creasing and eyebrows furrowing, trying to ward off painful pangs that's occurring in irregular intervals inside her stomach. All she wants to do now is to sit down on this filthy and dusty ground and satiate her hunger.

Unbidden, her son's innocent dark eyes and toothless grin, his hallowed cheeks and pale complexion came to her mind. She swallowed dryly and pushed down the starvation that clawed painfully at her insides. Kuchel wiped the sweat that had gathered on her brow and, with jaw clenched in determination, she continued to walk.

Her gait sped up once her eyes fell on the little hut that their little family of two resides. Her fingers eagerly pawed the knob and, upon opening the door, she was greeted by her beautiful son's toothless smile and, suddenly, the hunger doesn't matter; it became a dull ache that's easy for her to brush off.

"Mama!" the little boy cried out, her heart bursting with love as he rushed towards her. The aching of her knees and thighs doesn't matter anymore when she knelt down to take her son into her arms in a loving embrace. Her son wrapped his short arms around her neck, tiny fingers playing with the black hair that fell on her shoulders. His boyish giggles sounded like music in her ears as Kuchel held up the bread to his eyes.

In a few years, her Levi will see the harshness of their condition, the crime, the poverty and the cruelty that encompasses the entire underground. But, for now, she wants to keep him safe from those monstrosities with her arms around him, with his toothless grin and his dark, innocent eyes.

* * *

_The gods had cursed you!_

It has been a few years since she heard those words and Kuchel tried hard to drive those words out of her mind but it was already rooted deep, had already taken the form of a huge tree that looms over her brain and she's inclined to believe the woman's words. Why is this happening to her? Was she really cursed by the gods? But for what?

It had been two days since she last worked and a day since she and her son last ate. She wants to go out there, to take a client or maybe even two, but her body is not inclined to cooperate. Her body was wracked with violent coughs, her knees weak and wobbly every time she tried to stand up that she was left with no choice but to lay down.

Kuchel knew in herself that she's not going to last long. And she regrets that she will be leaving her young son alone in this cruel world.

The fact made her choke up that sent her through another violent coughing fit. She quickly wiped her tears away, determined not to show her son that she's devastated and heartbroken that she will never see her son grow up, nor have friends, nor have crushes. She'll never be able to see her son be smitten with the person that he loves, nor comfort him when he experiences his first heartbreak. She'll never see him marry, nor have kids. She will miss so many milestones from his life and Kuchel regrets nothing more than having to leave her beloved son alone.

"Mama? Are you alright?" he asked, concern evident in his small voice.

Kuchel swallowed dryly and tried to smile, hoping against all odds that it doesn't look like a grimace, "Mama's alright, my love," she mumbled, voice hoarse from all the coughing, "But can you do one thing for mama, Levi?"

The boy perked up, delighted that he can do something to ease his mother's suffering, "Anything!"

"Can you smile? For mama?"

And he smiled, the biggest and brightest grin that Kuchel ever saw. The last grin that she ever saw.

* * *

He glanced up towards the clear sky, raising his hand to shield his eyes from the harsh glare of the sun overhead.

He doesn't remember much about his mother. He doesn't know what her favorite color is, or her favorite food, or her favorite flower. He never even knew when her birthday is. But there are times that he remembered the gentleness of her calloused fingers against his cheek. Or the feel of her long, dry hair between his fingers. Other times, he can even recall the softness of her voice as she sung him a lullaby that he never heard again when he moved above ground.

Levi stared out at the flowing water, fingers clenching the stems of the flowers that he bought on a whim. He never knew her birthday, so he decided that he can celebrate her birthday alongside his. He heaved a deep breath, relaxing his tensed shoulders and letting the air leave his chest in a rush as he threw the colorful flowers into the water.

"Levi!" a cheerful voice called some ways behind him.

Carefully keeping his face neutral, he turned. Hange was waving him over as she and Nanaba finished setting up the picnic table that they brought with them. Erwin was chatting with Mike on one side, both holding a tankard with their preferred beverage. His squad was grilling fish and meat on the other side, with Oluo and Petra goofing off.

A breezed passed him by and he almost felt the gentleness of calloused fingers against his cheek. A small smile made its way to his lips and he began to walk towards Hange.

_If only you could've seen this, mother._

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: this is a little elaboration of the drabble that i posted on twitter, i actually put it in here XD i did try to search for these information but please feel free to educate me if i get any of these wrong. i hope you guys liked it!! :D
> 
> inspired by ed sheeran's 'supermarket flowers'


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